“A Sign From Above” aka The Geese and the Cyclists

cyclist

 

For someone who doesn’t believe in ‘signs’ or ‘messages’, I’ve decided to let this one through.

I’ve recently taken up cycling. I try to go at least one day on the weekend and listen to music or podcasts while I cycle through the bushlands, wetlands and carparklands of the surrounding suburbs.

I’ve been a bit down lately. Actually, that’s a huge understatement. A team of professionals, a suite of medications, a range of coping strategies (some more maladaptive than others), hospital stays of varying durations, a horde of loving friends and family, and I’m barely keeping my head above water.

Everyone keeps banging on about how well I’m doing and that I should give myself some credit for what I am achieving.

My inner-self cries “what achievements?” Since when did getting someone else to do school drop off, staying in bed all day then heating up a freezer dinner become an achievement?

I know we have times in our lives when we need the help of others – new baby, bereavement, serious illness and the like – but seriously, I’ve barely cooked a meal in two years. What happened to the person who used to just get stuff done?

I have such a low capacity now, and no resilience. Last Wednesday I presented at the national conference for my profession. Last Thursday I was taken by ambulance to psychiatric emergency because I got a bit stressed in a meeting.

Today I dropped off a fortnight’s worth of laundry to a friend who begged me to let her do it. I don’t even have the energy to politely refuse when people offer anymore. I’m so dismayed with my own inability to complete tasks that I gratefully piled her up with overflowing baskets.

Back to this afternoon’s bike ride. I gave up early. I’d been for a big ride yesterday, the wind was against me and I didn’t have any oomph. I tried to be gentle with myself and concluded that a short ride was better than no ride, and headed for home do something nice before it was time to pick up the kids.

 

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